Closure

My writing group met last night, and I had New Orleans on the brain. Here's what I wrote...

Fallen root beer sign around the corner from our house (Sept 2005)

Same sign--now with pedestal (Jan 2007)

Thinking about New Orleans still makes my heart ache. It can be a weather report reminding me that spring is already there. It was 74 there today (and 47 in Seattle). It can be an interview on NPR with a local still living in a FEMA trailer. The accent wraps around my mind and my heart like a warm blanket. Today it was listening to a podcast on the history of Mardi Gras. I wasn’t even that into Mardi Gras when I lived there. Sure, I would go to a few parades, and a Mardi Gras party or two, but I can easily become over stimulated so I never lasted long. I still feel right now like I’m missing out on something though.

Sometimes I type my old address into Google Maps, select the "street-view" option and cruise (virtually) around my old neighborhood. Many of the houses on State Street Drive (yes, it’s a “street drive”) look like they did before Katrina. A huge improvement over the last time I visited—a year and a half after the storm. I wonder how many of my neighbors still live on the street. There’s a black SUV parked in my old driveway. We didn’t have a car when we lived there, so it looks strange. I feel jealous that the people who live there now get to wake up every morning in that house. They get to sit out on the front porch watching thunderstorms, trying not to get eaten by mosquitoes. They get to listen to the family of squirrels living in the next door neighbor’s tree squawking and chirping at the next door neighbor’s dogs.

I wonder if the windows still stick. I used to yell and curse as I bent a finger the wrong way trying to pry open a window. I don’t think I would mind it so much now. I used to wish the front door were flush with the baseboard so air didn’t seep in under it. Now I think I would lie down in front of the door and breathe in the warm, moist air.

I wonder what ever happened to our community garden plot. Did that neighborhood flood? It was really easy having a garden in New Orleans, though we couldn’t get our tomato plants to produce (too much water?). In our current city we can’t get tomato plants to produce because there isn’t enough sun or heat. That was never a problem in New Orleans. Yeah, I bet it was overwatering—our fault or Mother Nature’s? Who knows. We went away one summer for 6 weeks. When we returned, our lemongrass plant, which had started out in a 4-inch pot, was up to my waist. The rest of the plot was overrun with mint. I liked it that way. The disorder and wildness was very representative of the city in which it was located. I think we would be kicked out of a community garden in Seattle if we let the plot go like that.

There’s a lot wrong with New Orleans. The crime, the corruption of the police and judicial system, the disrepair of the streets, the litter, the crazy, reckless drivers, the lack of selection in vegetarian cuisine—we experienced each and every one of these things firsthand. It is much easier though, being an imperfect person, living in such an imperfect city. There was also a lot right with the city. The warmth. Everything is warm—the wind, the rain, the people, the music, the cuisine. We also experienced each of these things firsthand, and I feel blessed that we did.

I grew up thinking that I hated humidity, but sometime during my first summer there, I fell in love with humidity. Part of it, I’m sure was the fact that everything in New Orleans is so over-air conditioned, that the intense humidity was the only thing that would bring my skin back to life after 30 minutes on the city bus, an hour in a restaurant, or several hours spent in my office at work. I would bike, walk or bus everywhere I went, so I had to resign myself to being sweaty most of the time. I carried a cloth handkerchief with me to wipe my brow from time to time, and that was all I needed.

We often talk about moving back. I’m not sure how romanticized my memory of New Orleans is. I’ve been back twice since Katrina—once right after the storm to gather a few of our belongings that hadn’t been ruined (a small box worth), and once, a year later for a math conference. Both times it was apparent that the city had changed. How could it not have changed? Could we make a life there again? We have made a life in Seattle, and I know I would miss our community here with the same aching and longing. Such different cities. The cultures, the climates, the landscape, and us. I am different now. Would I fit back in?

I do hope (and think) that one day we will live there again. There was never any closure. We were ripped from our lives, and situations forced us to make new lives elsewhere. There was no warning (well, there was a warning that a hurricane was arriving, but no part of me honestly thought anything would come of it), and no proper farewell. I’m aware that it sounds silly to want to move back somewhere in order to find closure, but I have been known to be a silly person.

Me happy to be back in NOLA (Jan 2007)

Our old house with upstairs neighbor (Jan 2007)

Still some clean-up to be done in our yard (Jan 2007)

French Quarter, last morning of my visit (Jan 2007)

Eating beignets by the Mississippi River (Jan 2007)

The Mississippi River in the morning (Jan 2007)