A little over a month ago, Zora and I went in for our yearly physicals. I wasn't too surprised when I stepped on the scale to find that I had gained almost 10 pounds over the past year (we don't have a scale at home, so I never weigh myself). Zora is still nursing, but far less frequently, and I probably haven't adjusted my diet to match. What really hit me though, was when my ND asked me what kind of exercise I was getting. "Um, none really". This was the first time I have ever had that answer, and it felt kind of like a kick in the stomach to me.
I've always been pretty active, and when I started my Ashtanga practice (it will be 8 years this March!), it was the first yoga practice I had that was so physically rigorous. It felt like I was exercising as well as doing yoga. I should probably stop here, since I know a lot of people do consider yoga to be exercise, and it certainly can be. I am not intending to discount or belittle that in any way. It's just to me, the reason I did yoga was not for exercise. Sometimes it was for physical reasons--it did make my body feel better. Mostly though, it was a way for me to calm my mind, my spirit, and be present in both. Exercise was always a separate endeavor for me. When my Ashtanga practice started to be 2 hours, 5-6 days a week though, it seemed like a bonus to be able to count that time as exercising as well. And I think somewhere along the way, I became attached to that. Attached to my yoga practice exercising my body.
I've chronicled here, on this blog, the journey I've had with my Ashtanga practice. My practice has gone up and down. I stopped for awhile, and started up again, only to stop again. I've felt all kinds of frustration over not being able to do certain postures, and having such severe wrist pain that I could no longer do vinyasas. I tried making my practice public a little, to keep myself accountable. I tried practicing in "secret", without Alex even knowing (only Zora knew, since she was there). I think all of these things were symptoms and consequences though, of my attachment to my yoga-exercise. I wanted that rigorous practice back. That was what I was working toward. To do any less than that, I would not be getting the exercise I needed. But I wasn't even close to achieving this goal, which just led to more frustration.
So I completely stopped again. And it sucked. Then, somewhere along this path of no-yoga-at-all, there was a shift. Something clicked and I realized that, even if I was exercising my body during my yoga practice, that was not what I wanted my practice to be about, and I needed to let go of that attachment. I decided to start off again, with sun salutations as a goal, and that's it. So far, every time I've practiced, I've gone beyond the Surya Namaskaras, which is fine, but I'm intentionally not trying to build up to something. I need some time to get to know my practice again, for what it is--yoga.
For now it's taking place in the middle of our living room (not in the yoga room), because that's a place where I know I can exist peacefully for 20 minutes. Sometimes Alex is there to interact with Zora, and tend to her if needed. Sometimes I am alone with Zora and my practice is interrupted briefly a couple of times. For the most part though, Zora seems cool with me yoga-ing in the living room.
I'm using these 20-30 minutes a day as a way to reacquaint myself with a practice that I don't want to lose completely. Even in the middle of my living room, with the noise and activity going on around me, I'm able to find little moments of calm and clarity. And really, that's all I ever would get even when I was practicing in a room full of Ashtangis surrounded by all kinds of wonderful yoga energy, or alone in our yoga room at home, before Zora was born, with nothing to think about but my practice. Little moments.
And exercise will be separate. I'm finding ways to exercise that will fit in with all the craziness and business of my life. I just started hooping. We'll see if it sticks. I hope next year when I go in for my annual exam, I will be able to say "yes, I am exercising regularly, and I have my yoga practice". And the scale can shove it, since I really don't care what it says!
